No need to spend a lot of money buying the original book (although it’s truly  awesome). I’ll show you the ropes.

Tip of the week: Have you told your baby she gets wifi in there?

This year your ass will grow tenfold. Your cheeks will look like farm-ripe tomatoes. Try playing games on your husband acting lazy. This is your last chance to do it so take advantage, ladies. You deserve it anyways for putting on the extra pounds.

You don’t give a shit about anything but your baby. You deserve to be selfish. If someone tries to touch your belly, back-slap the shit out of them and tell them “Give me 50 feet!”

This week you will be having a lot of aches in your back. Look at yourself in the mirror and say I’d do me if I were me. You are beautiful.

This week your baby can tell if you’re lying and you’re eating sushi or crap food. Don’t fool that bitch. Make sure you starve him or her as much as possible because now they don’t have voices to complain. Food is expensive and he or she should be thankful they’re getting a free ride.

Until next week, keep childbearing and putting up with all the things that you do. One day your baby will appreciate it.

“I didn’t even know the man,” one suspect reports. “I was out shopping and the next thing I know is he went to the Post Office and forwarded all of my incoming mail to his address.”

Local police authorities are cautioning citizens not to flaunt their iPhones in the faces of this Mousilli double when the phone ships next month; this could incite the criminal masterminds into terminal kungfubia frenzy. One of the survivors reports that Basim is currently holding a black unlocked iPhone 3GS flagrantly displaying the words “$uckafree 4 life” on his lockscreen.

Apple has come forward and is suggesting consumers keep their new iPhones in older generation cases once they start shipping July 2 to avoid theft, kickassery, and other random acts of jealousy and delusion. Seclusion also rhymes.

Crime accessory Noura Mousilli was not present at the time of questioning. More news as the facts unfold.